Once Upon a Franchise: An ANTI Harry Potter xover
by Farawen
Summary: The gang for no reason ends up at Hogwarts and crazy crap happens. From the author that brought you So Delicious and Romeo and Juliet: Sasuke's Solution comes a completely new OOC crack fic, and the guyliner returns!
1. Introduction

**I wrote this because I am getting SICK of serious Naruto/HP crossovers! I've seen it all: Itachi falling for Harry, Sasuke being reincarnated as Harry Potter, Orochimaru being Voldemort in disguise, Naruto falling for Hermione...ENOUGH ALREADY! IT'S SO OVERDONE! So I wrote this fic to parody such stories.**

**Harry Potter **© **JK Rowling...I mean, Warner Bros. (methinks they're gonna sue my pants off without a disclaimer)**

**Naruto **© **Kishimoto**

** I don't own Harry Potter or Naruto. If I DID, however, teehee -_t_****_hinks of the possibilities-_**

**(almost done, promise!) I'd also like to thank Molly for listening to the rants and stupid ideas that inspire my fics, as well as giving me some too.**

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Once upon a franchise, there was a magical school of witchcraft and wizardry. Deep within the school was the Gryffindor tower, where the young and hormone ridden Harry Potter resided. He was sitting on his bed slamming his head repeatedly against the headboard.

"What's wrong?" asked Ron Weasley, one of his friends.

"Oh Ron, it's dreadful! Those blasted fangirls keep trying to cross this series over with one about ninjas. And they aren't doing a very good job..."

Just then, a girl with bright green eyes peered in the doorway.

"Hold it! This is the BOYS dormitory! GET THE BLOODY HELL OUT" screamed Ron.

Someone suddenly hit the girl over the head with a shuriken.

"LEIA! This is an ANTI Naruto/HP crossover fic. Don't be a hypocrite."

"Please, Sasuke?!" Leia begged. "At least let me make out with Oliver Wood!"

"No. We're leaving."

"Seamus Finnegan?"

"Come on, Leia." Sasuke dragged her by the collar.

"What about the Weasley twins? Sort of a Hikaru and Kaoru host club scenario?"

"Sorry about this" Sasuke apologized to Harry and Ron. "This fangirl hasn't had her shots yet…" Leia flashed her patented kitty eyes at them and meowed as Sasuke dragged her off. Ron gave a half smile and Harry went to hide in his emo corner.

"What are you doin', Harry? You can't have an emo corner in a round room," stated Dean Thomas.

"Shut up! You don't understand! NONE OF YOU UNDERSTAND MY TORTURED PAST"

"I do," said a ninja who suddenly appeared in the corner for no reason whatsoever.

"Who the hell are you?" asked Ron.

"My name is Kabuto" said the ninja. "And everyone keeps comparing us."

Ron just stared, not seeing a resemblance, while Harry stared wide-eyed at someone who could partake in his angst.

Kabuto spoke. "You have glasses, I have glasses. You have an evil snake rival and I have an evil snake _cough_mancrush_cough_"

"What was that last part?" asked Harry.

"Nothing, had um…something in my throat! Yeah, that's it!"

"Kabuto! I'll follow you to the ends of the earth! We can write depressing poetry about our pasts for eternity!" Harry lunged forward and hugged the ninja's knees.

Kabuto sweatdropped. "Thanks, but no thanks. I have plans. You know, places to go, people to murd— I mean, see."

Seamus Finnegan appeared at the doorway, but upon seeing Harry pelvic thrusting ('pelvic thrust' © Ayumi Elric) at an older dude, he backed away slowly while brandishing his wand.

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**already wrote the 2nd chapter, so expect an update soon, if the HPxNaruto fans haven't killed me yet...**


	2. Poor Kabuto

**part 2**

**don't own Harry Potter or Naruto**

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Harry dragged Kabuto around with him for the whole day. To classes, lunch, Quidditch practice….You name it they went, with Harry singing Linkin Park songs the whole way. The time came at last for Potions, and the two sat in the back.

"Potter, who is that creepy large child sitting next to you?" asked Snape in his dark yet sexy voice. Kabuto stood up and bowed. If you are picturing this in your head, you can see how odd this looked to the class.

"Snape Sensei, My name is Kabuto and I am honored to be in your cla-"

"GET THE FCK OUT OF MY DUNGEON!" screamed Snape as he lunged into a sort of _A-HA! _pose pointing to the door, but without the lightbulb over his head. Kabuto sulked and left the dungeon. "_Sniff_ At least Orochimaru still wants me!"

He went to explore the castle. There were so many doors! A black door with skulls and warnings carved all over it seemed to scream "c'mon in!" to Kabuto, so he peered inside. In the small room was Voldemort was sitting on the ground, drawing glasses and a lightning scar on his face with a guyliner pencil.

"OROCHIMARU-SAMA! YOUR BALD!" screamed Kabuto in horror.

Voldemort chucked the guyliner pencil at him. "You twit! I'm not your master." This gave Voldy an idea, and he vanished in a puff of smoke.

Meanwhile, Naruto was wandering through the Great Hall, looking for something to do. He was thinking about if there were any Ramen shops nearby when he crashed into a girl with a huge stack of books, which went flying everywhere.

"Sorry, dattebayo!" said Naruto, helping her pick up the books.

"That's okay, but, why aren't you wearing a Hogwarts Uniform?"

Naruto explained to her the hard to believe tale that he was NOT a Hogwarts student no matter how many fanfic writers try to cross his anime with the Harry Potter series, and how he wished the insanity of insane HP/Naruto serious crossovers would end.

"See? The fangirls just keep making our paths cross and won't stop. It's driving me crazy, dattebayo!"

"Oh that's such a terrible shame. I'm Hermione Granger, and you are?"

"I'm Uzuma— I mean, Naruto Uzumaki…" He then muttered something about how he hated Americanization of Japanese names under his breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, dattebayo."

Hermione looked puzzled. "'Dattebayo,' is that a spell?" She raised her wand. "_Datte bayo!_" and a bowl of ramen appeared.

"How did you do that!? All I can summon is toad demons…and yaoi fangirls." said Naruto, looking at his feet.

"Mind if I keep the ramen?"

"Go ahead!" said Hermione. "In fact, I'm going to the library to research fanfiction through the ages, care to join me?"

Naruto paused; this seemed like an innocent enough question. However, this didn't stop the expectations of him falling in love with Hermione that perhaps 75 of you readers have in your warped little minds. He decided to accept the offer and the two headed towards the library.

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**I wonder what Oro and Voldy are up to...**


	3. let's get together, yeah yeah yeah

**omg I had SOOOO much fun writing this chapter. Just got back from seeing Order of the Phoenix, so I felt inspired.  
**

**Harry Potter characters (c) J.K. Rowling**

**Orochimaru (c) Kishimoto**

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Voldemort appeared in front of Orochimaru, who was making a scrapbook from surveillance pictures of Sasuke.

"Oro, tell me. What's Sasuke like?"

Oro looked at Voldy. "Well, he's the last of the Uchiha clan, and wants to kill his brother. He's becoming quite famous, actually. A kid from the Sand village just got his ass kicked by him during the Chunin exams. You know what's interesting, neither one of our rivals ever got around to killing us…Does Harry ever talk about joining you?"

"Never, he says _I'm_ the last person he'll ever become. Heeheehee!"

The two were now lying on the floor hugging pillows, as if at a slumber party.

"Yeah, Sasuke hasn't come crawling to me yet either, but I'll just let the curse mark do it's job."

Voldemort suddenly sat up.  
"I have a brilliant beyond brilliant idea! I'm serious, I am a total evil genius!"

Oro turned to face him looking confused.

"You want to know what Harry's like, right?"

"Right…"

"And I'm DYING to know Sasuke" added Voldemort.

"Annie— I mean, Oro, Why don't we switch places? When midterms are over, I'll capture Harry as you, and you can stalk Sasuke as me!"

"WHAT?!" gasped Orochimaru.

"C'mon An—, I mean Oro. We can pull it off; we're both snake villans, aren't we?"

"Hallie…I mean Voldy, we're totally and completely 100 percent different!"

"So, what's the problem?" asked Voldemort. "I'll teach you to be me, and you'll teach me to be you! Look, I can do you already." Voldemort put a conveniently placed wig on his head and said, "I will grind the leaf village into dust…"

Orochimaru snorted.

"C'mon, Oro! I gotta meet a kid even more screwed up than Harry…" Voldemort pouted.

"The truth is, you know…" pondered Orochimaru. "Sooner or later, they'll have to unswitch us!"

"And they'll meet face to face, every Naruto/Harry Potter fanfictioner's dream!"

_-Two minutes later-_

_Do You Believe in Magic?_ started playing on a jukebox in the background. The two sat at down and Orochimaru passed Voldemort a pic of Sarutobi.

"This is the Third Hokage."

"He's so cute! What do we call him?" cooed Voldemort.

"Third Hokage."

"Why didn't I think of that?"

Orochimaru showed Voldemort another picture.

"This is Kabuto, he's my bitch."  
"We have a bitch?" squealed Voldemort in excitement.

-_Twenty minutes later_-

Voldemort pointed to a chalkboard with a map of Hogwarts drawn on it.

"Okay, this is the Chamber of Secrets, then the 3rd Floor Corridor. Oh, and this is the Great Hall, but feasts are only held on holidays and of course, after I'm defeated!"

-_Flash to the two villains practicing spells and jutsu next to the lake_-

Back at the castle, the two took turns putting on makeup and switching clothes. Orochimaru sat Voldemort in a chair, holding a jug of Miracle-Gro.

"Okay, I'm ready…" said Voldemort.

Orochimaru was about to pour it on his shiny, bald head when he winced.

"DON'T SHUT YOUR EYES, TWIT!"

"Sorry! I'm just a little nervous…"

Voldemort turned to face him.

"You're nervous? A snake villain is growing my hair!"

"Hey, you sounded just like me!" pointed out Orochimaru.

"Well, I'm supposed to, aren't I? Just do it before I lose my nerve." Voldemort shut his eyes as Orochimaru poured the thick liquid onto his head. A wave of bishonen-quality raven hair flowed down Voldemort's back. When it stopped growing, he assisted Orochimaru in shaving his head. The two stared in the mirror.

"This is so freaky," breathed Voldemort.

"Honey, you've never looked better! Oh no…" Orochimaru's smile faded.

"What is it, Oro?"  
"I have pierced ears."

"NO!" screamed Voldemort. "No, no and NO! I'm not doing it. Sorry, wrong number, I WON'T!"

"Then growing your hair was a total waste because I can't just leave Konoha with pierced ears and come back without them…"

Voldemort looked in the mirror sadly at his earlobes.

Orochimaru disappeared and came back with a match, needle, ice and apple wedge.

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" asked Voldemort, lying down on a couch that he summoned.

"Of course! I went with Tsunade when _she_ got her ears pierced. Trust me, it's nothing."

He lit the match and held it under the needle.

"On the count of three, remove the ice. One, Two, Three."

Voldemort did a girly sigh and took the ice out from under his right ear.

"Okay, now hold the apple…" Orochimaru commanded. He stabbed the needle into Voldemort's ear and both screamed bloody murder.

Meanwhile, Naruto and Hermione stopped walking to the library.

"Did you hear something?" asked Naruto. Hermione shrugged and the two kept going.

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**Oh, and I don't own Parent Trap either. The switch scene was just too perfect, I couldn't _not_ use it in this fic.  
**

**plz review! **


	4. Mary Sue Brigade

**Basically a hypocritical mary sue rant**

**don't own HP or Naruto, all I own is 43 percent of my sanity.**

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Sasuke dragged Leia down the hallways of Hogwarts.

"C'mon, let me go!"

"Not a chance. This is what you get for sexually harassing all of the guys in Griffindor tower."

"Not _all_ of them…" explained Leia.

Sasuke frowned at her. "Name one."

"Neville Longbottom," said Leia, freeing herself from Sasuke and folding her arms.

"He's too sweet and too much of a gentleman for me to annoy."

Sasuke looked at her as if to say _Yeah right_, _you boy crazy nutjob… _but refrained. The two headed towards the Great hall for lunch, they would resume their Tom-and-Jerry-esque chase after a decent meal.

Two Slytherin girls passed by them in the hallway.

"_Psst. Who's the emo kid and the girl?_" one whispered.

"_Ugh, he's probably Harry's long lost twin and she's probably Harry's newest Mary-sue love…_"

"WHAT THE FCK DID YOU CALL ME BITCHES?!" screamed Leia. "COME BACK HERE, I'LL BITE YOUR LEGS OFF!" She started flailing while Sasuke held her back by the collar.

"Don't make a scene."

"Grr…Nobody calls _me_ a Mary Sue and lives!"

Sasuke stared at her with a blank expression.

"Leia, you _are _a Mary Sue." He said.

"Just shut up, Sasuke. At least I ADMIT I am a Mary Sue, and totally own my Mary Sue title by _deliberately _being obnoxious, unlike those other bitches who are in constant denial and believe their story is compelling and original…I hate them."

Sasuke didn't even look in the crazed fangirl's direction.

"PLUS! A little Mary-Suedom is ok as long as it's in a crack and/or plotless setting. I think if you can make people laugh, its okay to squeeze a little Mary-Suedom into fics." Leia explained.

Sasuke murmured something that sounded suspiciously like "Hypocrite" before a hoard of Mary Sues came running the hallway, carrying signs that said "_HARRY! I'M YOUR LONG LOST SISTER!_" and "_THE PROPHECY IS REALLY ABOUT ME!_" and whatever stupid plot point you can pin on an annoying, too beautiful teenage girl.

Ever wonder what happened to Kabuto? Well, Harry found him sulking around the dungeons and invited him back to Griffindor tower. Eww, it's not kinky like that. It was time for the _Pin-The-Plot-On-The-Mary-Sue _finals. Harry vs. Ron (and now Kabuto! Poor guy…)

"Okay…One…Two…THREE" Harry was spinning a blindfolded Ron and let him go as he wandered towards a poster of a scantily clad too-pretty-to-have-any-actual-personality Mary Sue. Kabuto was stuck holding a basket filled with tiresome plot points. Ron pinned his plot point slightly above where her pancreas would be if she were real. He lifted up his blindfold.

"What does it say?" asked Harry eagerly.

"It says: _I am a veela transfer student from Beauxbatons and secretly working for Voldemort, except I fall in love with Harr—_ WAIT! Why are they all about you, Harry?" Ron moped and handed Harry the blindfold.

"Because girls always go for the emo guys, plus I wrote them," explained Harry.

"Really? I thought they were after Oliver wood and Cedric," said Kabuto, with a confused look on his face (sure he's evil, but so cute! Awww! I'd love to see him in bunny ears.)

Anyway, back to the 'plot.' Naruto and Hermione were sitting at a table in the library, surrounded by books with titles such as _Fangirlism Throughout the Ages_ and _A Brief History of Fanfiction_. Who knew such titles existed among the stacks?

"It says here that Mary Sues are characters in fiction that play out the most cliché roles…" Hermione told Naruto. He was thumbing through a compilation of the world's most nauseating plots.

"They often are written as wish fulfillment for the author, and tend to always get their way. Wait a second; this sounds an awful lot like Lavender Brown!" Hermione shook her head in disbelief and kept reading. Naruto was thumbing through the index and found a list of the most popular crossovers. _Naruto/Harry Potter_ ranked at number three, while, to his amusement, _Naruto/Shakespeare_ was at number forty two. Just then, Voldemort disguised as Orochimaru waltzed into the library.

"Hello, Nine-Tailed Fox," he spat in Naruto's direction.

"OROCHIMARU? What are you doing here? If you're after Sasuke, take a number because it says here that Sasuke is the main character of 72 percent of Harry Potter crossovers." Naruto said, showing off his newfound knowledge.

Voldemort started sweating, for lack of a comeback made him nervous.

"Well…your face!"

Hermione smirked, not knowing who the flamboyant pale figure was. To her, he looked like a boggart version of You Know Who due to the makeup, long hair and butt-bow.

"Have you no respect for the Dark Lord, Mudblo—I mean, I've never met you before. Mwehehehehehe!"

"Orochimaru, have you always laughed like that? Are you feeling okay?" Naruto couldn't believe he was asking this to a foe, but it didn't matter because he was outside the perimeter of his own story.

"Yeah, it's just um…PUBERTY! Yeah, my voice is changing and all sorts of crazy crap. New body, gotta er, break it in! Er…I gotta go!"

Hermione just stared blankly, shrugged and went back to her research as Voldemort dashed away faster than Speedy Gonzales.

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**plz review :3**


	5. The Sorting Hat

_**I had soooo much fun writing this chapter...**_

_**Naruto (c) Kishimoto**_

_**Harry Potter (c) JK Rowling, who's latest book kicked ass.**_

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Disguised as Voldemort, Orochimaru set off to find Harry. He used a special jutsu to phase through the Fat Lady's portrait and enter Griffindor Tower. Hearing what sounded like Kabuto bitching about something, Orochimaru followed the noise to the dormitory. There, he found Ron beating Harry senseless with the plot-point basket and Kabuto squealing in horror. Ron looked up. 

"GAAAH! IT'S YOU-KNOW-WHO!"

"Who?" asked Oro, tilting his head.

"You-know-who!"

"I don't know who, who?"

Ron rolled his eyes at Oro and thought "_Blimey, doesn't even know his own name…_"

Harry stood up and pointed his wand at Orochimaru.

"Voldemort! What are you doing here? Did you recruit the dementors to take over Hogwarts?"

"Erm, not to my knowledge…"

"Okay, then you've kidnapped Hermione and are holding her hostage in the Chamber of Secrets!"

"HERMIONEEEEE! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'M COMING!" Ron flung himself out the window a-la Mission Impossible, apparently forgetting that it was an eighty-foot drop and the staircase was right behind him. Harry, Oro and Kabuto watched as Ron fell.

"Will he…um…be okay?" asked Kabuto.

"Eh, he's sturdy," said Harry as he turned his attention back to Orochimaru.

"Well, if you didn't kidnap Hermione and you aren't trying to take over Hogwarts, WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?"

"EEEEEEK, PEEPING TOM!" squealed Kabuto, looking like the time when he caught Rock Lee showering.

"I um…just remembered there's something I have to do. Tootloo!" With that, Orochimaru ran as fast as his little ankles would carry him.

"What was that?" asked Harry, but Kabuto was staring starry-eyed out the window.

"That Voldemort, he's such a poet! _Something I have to do, tootloo!_ So deep! So insightful! I think I'm in love!"

Meanwhile, Gaara was roaming the hallways when a squat, toady woman (yes, toady is an adjective) tapped him on the shoulder (or at least tried, the sand got in the way.)

"What do you want?" asked an expressionless yet adorable Gaara.

"Have you been sorted yet, young fellow?"

"Um, no. I'm not a student."

"Not a student?!" Umbridge was fuming. "How can you not be a student of my-I mean, this school?"

"Easily, now let me pass."

"I'm sorry, sweetums, but you'll just have to come to my office with the other not-yet-students I caught roaming the halls! Spit-Spot!" She clapped her hands twice, expecting him to follow like Pavlov's dog. Gaara, repulsed at being called '_sweetums_' (-vomits-) started his hand signs to put her in a sand coffin, but decided to wait for a better opportunity. He just needed some help.

Umbridge opened the door to her office, and ushered Gaara inside. The kitten plates and pink shag carpeting wasn't what caught his eye at first.Several figures, each wearing dark robes with red clouds, sat holding a teacup on the heart shaped couches.

"Now, let us commence with the emergency sorting!"

Itachi patted the seat next to him and Gaara sat. He pretended to offer Gaara some tea. Gaara looked in Itachi's cup and saw he spelled _HELP_ in the tealeaves. Umbridge picked up the sorting hat from behind her desk, and placed it on Deidara's head.

"_Slytherin!"_ it screamed.

"Okay, miss! Off to your common room!"

Deidara looked pissed. "I'm a dude, un."

"Oh good heavens! Well you can't walk around the school looking like that!" She flicked her wand, and Deidara's bangs and ponytail were replaced with a pudding-bowl haircut.

Deidara looked as if he was about to cry, and bolted out of the office.

'_Can't you trap her in a genjutsu?"_ Gaara spelled in Sweet-N-Low on his saucer. Itachi shook his head, placed his spoon into his cup and spelled_ "Afraid to try, atmosphere is too strange" _into the tealeaves

"Young, blue man, your up!"

Kisame winced as Umbridge shoved the hat onto his head. It shouted "_Slytherin!_" and Umbridge yanked it off and stuck it on Itachi's head.

"Watch the bangs…" glared Itachi, as the hat muttered "Slytherin, quell surprise." The two partners left as Itachi hid his bad-boy ponytail behind his Akatsuki collar.

"Masked fellow, it's your turn!"

Tobi giggled as the hat was placed on his head.

"HUFFLEPUFF!" It shouted as Gaara stared in disgust.

"Squee!" Tobi went skipping off to the Hufflepuff dormitory, and Gaara feared his turn.

"Tut tut, young man! I do not allow tattoos on my students!" Umbridge poked at his _Ai_ mark and started fishing through her purse. Gaara glared, and debated stabbing her with a broken teacup.  
"Ah, here it is!"

She opened a compact, which contained a dense powder and puff. Umbridge patted his forehead with the puff until the mark was completely obscured. Gaara grabbed the hat, and barely put it on his head before it shouted "Slytherin!" He barged out the door as Umbridge stood looking awestruck. A student had never been so disrespectful.

Deidara, Kisame, Itachi and Gaara rendezvoused in the Slytherin common room.

"We need a gameplan," said Gaara. "Any ideas?"

"Stabbing, simple and effective," said Kisame bluntly. Deidara looked at him as if he had said, _"Let's kill every kitten in the world, and then write the screenplay to Crossroads 2."_

"How dare you! We need a more _artistic_ approach!" He yelled.

"Well, let us hear your plan," said Gaara.

"Well, first we need Apeloads of clay, then we infuse our chakra into it-"

"We can't use chakra here, the atmosphere rejects it." Itachi stood up. "Or else that woman would be trapped in my genjutsu, screaming bloody murder."

"Well, what should we do?" asked Kisame.

The group sat in silence before Deidara stood up. "Let's get some frozen yogurt, then revisit this issue."

Everyone nodded and followed Deidara out of the common room.

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_**plz review!**_


	6. Animagus Gone Wrong

**Sorry for the scarce updates, I've been busy lately (and injured. I had a classic klutz moment at the fabric store, and have a bruise on my butt to prove it! It hurts to sit down _-pouts-_)  
**

**Naruto (c) Masashi Kishimoto**

**Harry Potter (c) 'Jay Kay' Rowling and Warner Bros, who I can't be mad at because they created Animaniacs (best show ever!!)  
**

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Orochimaru was running down the hallway and crashed into Voldemort. They both fell backward, and upon seeing each other, they started laughing.

"Oh Voldykins! I didn't know putting up with wizards was so difficult!"

"Dear Orochimaru, that nine tailed fox is such a twit! How DO you put up with him? I didn't even get to see Sasuke!"

"We must fix this problem, TO THE BAT-er, SNAKE CAVE!"

The batman theme played out of nowhere as the two hopped on a broomstick back to the creepy room and started plotting. Meanwhile, the new Slytherins were walking back from the great hall, frozen yogurt (or FroYo) in hand when they saw Sasuke and Leia.

"Foolish little brother, what are you doing here?" Itachi glared at Sasuke.

"TACHIIII!!" Leia jumped on Itachi, little hearts dancing over her head.

"Down, kitty!" Sasuke yanked at her leash and Leia fell backwards onto her bum.

"You leashed her? Isn't that a bit extreme?" Gaara tilted his head.

"What else was I supposed to do? She's throwing herself at every male student here!" Sasuke tugged on Leia's leash as she tried to glomp Deidara. "That's it, no mallowmars for you!"

"_-Sniff_- You're mean, Sasuke!"

"Any particular reason why Leia is now a catgirl?" Kisame raised an eyebrow. Leia rubbed against Sasuke's leg as he scratched behind her cat ears.

"The little genius thought she would try to become an animagus, forgetting the concentration needed for it. Lets just say halfway through the spell an attractive Ravenclaw walked by, she got distracted, and now she's a catgirl." Leia whipped out a handkerchief and started polishing a yaoi paddle. Sasuke snatched it out of her hand.

"Leia, what did I say about yaoi paddles?"  
"_hiss_"

"What did I say?"

Leia rolled her eyes. "Yaoi paddles are a weapon more powerful than a hundred kunai."

"Very good," Sasuke tossed her a mallowmar and scratched the top of her head. While he was distracted, Leia unlatched the leash from her collar and ran to Itachi, clinging to him hard.

"Aww, she likes you, Itachi-san! Can we keep her?" Kisame asked. Itachi glared at his partner.

"No."

"Pretty please, Tachi-san? I promise to be a good kitty!" Leia nuzzled Itachi.

"Little brother, please control your catgirl." Itachi pryed Leia off and held her at arms length, staring at her seemingly innocent face. Sasuke put the leash back on and dragged Leia back to Griffindor tower, the _girls'_ dormitory.

Naruto and Hermione were now armed with a newfound knowledge of fanfiction, and as the old saying goes: 'Knowledge is power.' They decided to browse the stacks just for kicks.

"What have you got there, Naruto?" Hermione peered over from her stack of books at Naruto's stunned face. He was looking at a strangely familiar book.

"Icha Icha Paradise? Any relation to the Icha Icha Gremlins of Timbuktu?" Hermione asked innocently before grabbing the book and flipping through the pages.

"Hermione, no, don't!"

Her face went bright red at the contents. She looked around the bookshelves before quietly whispering "are you sure we're not in the restricted section?"

While Hermione was skimming through the contents, a note dropped out from between the cover and the last page. Naruto picked it up and read:

_Greetings, Team 7! I see you have found yourself in a fanfiction nobody over the age of 12 will enjoy. Just a heads up, if you try to use jutsu here, your chakra network will get out of wack, and I ain't fixing your mistakes. Currently, I am at the Three Broomsticks enjoying a few drinks with Tsunade, Jiraya, and the others. Jiraya is hitting on Madame Rosmerta and Iruka is a teetotaler, so bringing him to a bar may not have been the best idea._

_Take care,_

_Kakashi-Sensei_

_(P.S. Put the book down, you're not old enough to read this yet!) _

"What's that?" Hermione read the note over Naruto's shoulder. Naruto growled; she was really nosy.

"Who is Kakashi-Sensei?"

"You ask too many questions." Naruto snapped back. You'd think that after that, Hermione would get the hint. Nooo, she asked him about the letter the whole way back to Griffindor Tower.

"What is a chakra network?"

"What did he mean by jutsu?"

"Why does your teacher read porn books?"

Naruto cupped his hands over his ears and sang to himself.

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**I have nothing against Hermione, she's my favorite girl in the series!  
**

**Yush, I nicknamed Itachi 'Tachi.'**

Why? Because 'Tachi' is easier to squeal at a high pitch.

**plz review :3**


	7. All You Need is LURRRVE

**Sorry last chapter was so short, I've been SO BUSY! School is zapping all of my creative energy. However, I found myself munching on a South Beach Diet bar (my sister's, don't ask) and feeling inspired,** **especially since the lack of new Shippuuden episode this week left me Naruto deprived.**

**Oh, did I mention school is eating my life? Enjoy the wizard pick up lines, and other random oddities I worked into this chapter.  
I did it for you guys!**

**Naruto (c) Masashi Kishimoto  
Harry Potter (c) J K 'just kidding' Rowling**

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Kurenai found herself in the dungeons, lost from looking for Asuma. There sat a group of evil looking, hormone ridden, teenage boys. The blonde boy, known as Malfoy to his cronies, turned to Kurenai and grinned. 

"Hey babe, how 'bout I stir up a potion in your cauldron…"

"Excuse me?"

"You know, shoot a quaffle in your goal post."

Kurenai just stared at him.

"I'm seeing someone," she said bluntly.

"Ooh, bad girl!" Malfoy jumped up and wrapped his arms around her waist.

"Let's go to the Forbidden Forest, The Chamber of Secrets…you know what I'm talkin' about"

Kurenai kneed him so hard it made Lucius fall over in contorted pain. Malfoy was sent reeling back and crashed into a pile of cauldrons. She tossed her hair and glared at him with her red eyes before storming out.

"_She so wants me_," thought Malfoy.

……………

The new Slytherins retreated to the common room, frozen yogurt in hand.

"We need a decoy, someone to distract that woman." Itachi started, adding jimmies.

"I know the perfect ninja," Gaara interjected. He then grabbed a pen and wrote the name on his wrist, as not to forget to ask for help.

"I still vote we blow the wench to Egypt, un."

Kisame jumped up on the table and belted The Bangles' _Walk Like an Egyptian:_

_  
All the kids in the marketplace say  
Ay oh way oh, oh ay oh way oh…._

Itachi pulled Kisame off the table and glared.

"Reflex, sorry Itachi-san."

Kisame blushed purple (red + blue purple, right?) and sat back down. The group continued with their plans. The ideas of a bucket full of maple syrup, feathers, honey, and tons of string crossed their minds, but dropped it when the thought of copyright lawyers storming the premises and suing the poor author crossed their minds. _(OMG FOURTH WALL BREACH!)_

"Do we really care about the author that much, un?"

"We piss her off, she'll just put us in playboy bunny outfits and make us sing more 80s songs."

Everyone fell silent.

The silence was then broken by Deidara humming "Jessie's Girl" under his breath.

…………

Sakura, separated from her teammates in this strange world, bumped into a long line of teenage girls.

"What's going on?"

"You don't know? New divination teacher, and he is gorgeous!" A few of the girls swooned, while one rolled her eyes.

"Oh please, Firenze is nothing special." Ginny folded her arms, staring at the love-struck line.

"It's not Firenze, he's so last year. Wait till you see him, he just has that air of destiny around him!"

Sakura butted her way to the front and burst into the divination room. There sat Neji in a purple turban, holding the hand of a smutty ravenclaw girl.

"Destiny will be on your side…"

"SHANNARO! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"

"Oh, Sakura-san. Just filling in for the divination teacher, she's sick in the hospital wi-"

Sakura dragged him out of the classroom and through the hoard of students, all of which swooned as he passed, sort of like doing the wave, with hormones…

"Spill it, what are you trying to pull?!" Sakura sat him down on a bench in a deserted hallway, glaring.  
"Destiny sent me here to-"

"We were sent here on a mission, and you're flirting!"

"We're not on a mission…"  
Sakura was confused. "Then, someone is in trouble? We came to help a friend? Orochimaru is plotting something?"

Neji shook his head.

"Then what the hell are we doing here?"

"No clue, it doesn't really make sense, does it?"

Sakura smacked her forehead.

"Now if you excuse me, I have a lecture in seven minutes." Neji stood up and left, leaving Sakura lost in the infinite hallways of Hogwarts. She pouted and cursed all Naruto/HP crossover writers, especially the emo ones. Although, she didn't mind the ones involving Sasuke-kun yaoi-ing it up with Harry…

Soon she heard a familiar voice, which interrupted her thoughts.

"Hi, Sakura-chan! Erm, why is your nose bleeding?"

Naruto and Hermione were coming towards them. Sakura quickly wiped the blood and smiled at her teammate.

"Thank goodness, a familiar face."

**INNER SAKURA: **_**HOW DARE YOU NOT FIND ME SOONER! BAKA!**_

"Hello, I'm Hermione Granger. It's a pleasure to meet one of Naruto's friends!"

"Oh, hi, I'm Sakura!" Sakura outstretched a hand as Hermione shook it.

"You must love Naruto, he's so bright!"

Sakura suppressed a giggle while Inner Sakura was cackling madly.

"That's our Naruto, sometimes he can be a baka though."

"Baka?" Hermione raised her wand.

"DON'T DO IT!" Naruto tackled her to the ground and pryed the wand from her fingers.

"What on earth….?"

"You shouldn't just _experiment _with spells! It's DANGEROUS dattebayo!"

"I was just going to summon my dictionary…"

"Oh…" Naruto turned bright red and realized that he was on top of Hermione. Sakura took a Polaroid of the sexy scenario and tucked it in her bag, tempted to sell it on Ebay.

……………

"Professor Snape, I think I'm in love!"

Snape was grading papers when Malfoy waltzed into his office, hearts in his eyes.

"Mr. Malfoy, I'd rather you not interrupt me while I'm work-"

"She has the most sinister red eyes, like the purest of wizard blood…"

"_Great, he's in bad poetry mode…_" thought Snape.

Malfoy continued. "Her hair, it is blacker than Salazar Slytherin's heart…"

"Her name?" Snape interjected.

"Er… I don't know, but she is my soul mate! I must find her again and pledge my love!" With that, Malfoy bolted out of the office, determined to find his 'soul mate.'

* * *

**plz review, they're what make me update :3**

**no reviews, no more franchise! I'll think you've stopped reading...and that makes farawen sad.**


	8. Fanservice!

**Sheesh, when was the last time I updated a fanfiction?! I'M ALIVE! I SWEAR! Look, I have no intention of abandoning fanfics. Life has been like gum in my hair, just when you think you've got a grasp on it the crap spreads. I've been working on the next So Delicious chapter. I won't spoil too much, except that the next karaoke star's name rhymes with "shmeidara."  
**  
**Naruto (c) Masashi Kishimoto (I LOVE YOU!)**  
**Harry Potter (c) J.K. --the Jolly Kaboodle-- Rowling**

* * *

"Hey, Naruto! This picture of you and Hermione just sold for £200,000 on eBay!" Sakura squealed to her friend, who had joined Harry in the common room emo corner. She was curled up with a laptop on an adjacent couch. 

"Harry Potter, you?"

"Naruto, dattebayo."

"What are you in for?"

"My friend just sold fanservice of me online, you?"

"The one person who understands my pain left me for a sexy snake pedofile."

"Ouch, that's rough."

"No bloody kidding."

The two newly acquainted leading guys sat there under a black cloud of emo. Sakura looked over from her laptop (ignore the fact technology doesn't work in the wizarding world, mmkay?) at the two.

"Naruto, since when are you emo?"

"Since I've been exploited by you and the damn internet, dattebayo!" Naruto glared at her.

"If you stop, I'll split my earnings with you!"

"DEAL!" Naruto jumped out of the emo corner and to Sakura's computer screen.

"Hey, how much ramen can I buy with £100,000?"

"-_sniff_- Nobody understands me!" wailed Harry, trying to drown in his own sorrow by singing _If Everyone Cared_ under his breath.

The new Slytherins started to put their plan in motion. A little more preparation was necessary.

"Okay we need a bishie, who is the sexiest one here?" Kisame asked.

"I am." Itachi flipped his hair and flashed his gorgeous sharingan eyes.

"Not bad, but maybe a bit too emo? We need a respectable, young…Kazekage?"

Everyone looked at Gaara.

"Spin around for us, un!" Deidara commanded. Gaara did a little turn on the catwalk, and everyone clapped.

"Not bad, un, but it needs a little work."

"Wait, I thought we decided on a ninja already!" Gaara pointed to his wrist, where he had written _KAKASHI_ in huge letters.

"Kakashi is sexy and all, but we need someone younger, sprightlier…with a certain authority, who better than the Kazekage?"

"I'm not the best ninja for the job!" yelled Gaara.

Kisame turned to Deidara. "Gaara's right. I think Umbridge likes taller guys, the grey hair too, a little salt n' pepper action?"

"Fine, un..and I was looking forward to giving Gaara a makeover!"

-Silence-

"I could use a haircut…" Gaara said sympathetically to the pouting Deidara.

"SQUEE! Itachi, get the eyeliner! Kisame, get the nailpolish! You won't recognize yourself, honey!"

The team threw Gaara into a spinning chair, and played cliché makeover music (think Mrs. Doubtfire) while spinning him around, throwing powder, snipping scissors left and right, and painting nails. When the chair slowed down, a very different Gaara sat before them. Imagine Gaara, but crossed with Tamaki from Ouran Host Club. He sat in a Hogwarts uniform, but regally with his chin cupped in one hand. Deidara had lightened the eyeliner, so the raccoon eyes were replaced with lightly charcoal-lined ones. The shaggy spiked hair was gone and swapped with, what looked like, the scalp of a Hitachiin twin. Gaara's nails were lacquered black too.

"SQUEE! HE'S GORGEOUS!"

"My my, Deidara, you have outdone yourself this time. Those eyes look so much greener without the rodent makeup" Itachi breathed in disbelief.

"Un, are you SURE he can't do it? Look at him! He's fanservice on a stick! Gaara, whisper a sweet nothing. Use a pickup line!"

Gaara tilted his head (OMG SO CUTE!) and thought for a while. Then he remembered a line Kankuro taught him.

"I bit my lip, would you kiss it and make it better?" Gaara pouted.

"WAI!" Kisame squealed. "We need to test him out, TO THE DINING HALL!"

……

With that, Deidara, Itachi and Kisame dragged the new-and-improved Gaara to lunch, where a vast number of giggling teenage girls would be the perfect test subjects. Low and behold, there was a group of chatty fifth years at the Hufflepuff table. The not-so-new Slytherin took a seat.

"Ladies, this is our friend Gaara. He's the Kazekage of his village-" Kisame was interrupted by the confused looks of the Hufflepuff girls.

"What he means is top of the class at um… Chuunin Academy and prefect of their Suna house," Deidara continued. Gaara bowed slightly.

"HE'S SO DREAMY! OMGG!" The Hufflepuff girls flocked around to stare at Gaara's green bishonen eyes.

"Gaara, would you like some pumpkin juice?"

"Or some Chocolate Frogs™?"

"Let's play some Quidditch later, Gaara!"  
"No, come back to the common room with us, Gaara!"

Deidara looked at Itachi and grinned.

"I did a pretty good job, don't you agree Itachi-san?"

"That's what she said."

"Un, I never thought you were the dirty joke type, Itachi-san."

Itachi stared at Deidara blankly, "who said I was joking?"

* * *

**Ah, innuendo. Is there anything you -can't- make funny?**  
**plz review :3**


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